I do not care who you are; we have all thought about and perhaps fantasized about playing with sex toys. But why are so many of us afraid to talk to our partners about it?
We are all guilty of being shy about broaching the subject of sex toys. We all have sexual desires, fantasies, and other possible fetishes that we feel ashamed about discussing with our partners. But there’s nothing wrong with having complex sexual desires or using sex toys to fulfill them.
Sex toys have incredible psychological benefits and can also enhance your relationship, making you feel intimate, emotionally connected, and more sexually excited about each other. Considering the amazing benefits of sex toys, more couples should actively include them in their sexual experiences.
But how to get them onboard? How to introduce a sex toy within your couple?
What are common obstacles?
Perceived obstacle #1: Am I not enough for you?
When you think about broaching the subject of a sex toy, you might fear that your partner will see that as a personal affront. You might wonder if your partner will say something like, “but babe, I thought you loved having sex with me?”
If that happens, it’s important to comfort your partner. You must inform them that you still enjoy sex with them but that you believe a sex toy could heighten the experience. You can also describe how you want to be touched.
You can fill in the following statements:
“I love it when you touch me on my…”
“I love how it feels when you…”
“I love the idea of…”
“I love it when you lick my…”
“I really want to know what it will feel like when you lick my… while using…”
Do you see where we’re going? You can contextualize sex toys as a fun tool through which you can better enjoy each other. This is about your sexual desires and pleasures and how you want your partner to help you get to the moon and back.
Perceived obstacle #2: Will they think I am twisted?
We all have sexual desires; why should we hide them, especially with our sexual partners? You might fear that your partner will think you’re twisted for wanting to use sex toys, but there’s absolutely no shame in being honest about your sexual desires. In fact, if you’re open and honest with your partner, they might even surprise you by opening up about some of their sexual desires and fantasies, such as bondage, submission, neck fetishism, foot fetishism, or any number of other kinks and fantasies.
Being open about our sexual desires with our partners is one of the most intimate forms of open communication. You are saying, “I enjoy you, and I want to explore and play more with you.” You are being open with your desires and should be prepared to hear and respond to your partner's desires as well. This is a no-judgments zone, and, barring any safety concerns, you must be genuinely willing to explore both of your desires, no matter how surprising they may be.
Perceived obstacle #3: I can’t be seen buying that!
So, you have been given the sex toy shop the side-eye for some time now, zipping along and thinking perhaps one day it will be quiet enough that you could pop in with no one noticing. Alas, another downfall of COVID; no one was around, and yet they were closed.
If you’re concerned about not being seen in a sex toy shop, you have two options. You can say “to hell with everyone” and visit the sex toy shop anyway because it’s your life, your sexual desires, and no one else should have any say.
Times have changed, thankfully. It wasn’t so long ago that we were shying away from the fright of stares at the market while buying lube and condoms. But thankfully, those days have (mostly) passed. Today, many people are exploring their sexual freedom and needs. Adult toy stores offer us the ability to truly broaden our horizons as solo buyers and as couples.
But if you’re truly shy or if you’re in a community where you fear backlash for honestly expressing your desires, you can also shop online!
Make your sex toy shopping experience fun!
If you are lucky enough to be in a community with an “adult store,” take the leap and have some fun. Whether you go it alone the first time, make it a sexy date adventure, or whip out the cell phone for a quick video chat to tease your partner about the fun to come (only with the store owner's permission, and being sure to not to invade any other customer’s privacy!), let yourself enjoy and have fun exploring the wide world of adult toys.
Not quite there yet, online shopping can be fun from the comfort of your own bedroom…and may lead to some sexy time together as you mutually fantasize about new and exciting gadgets to use on each other. One new wonder to discover: Namii, Biird’s new 2-in-1 clitoral sucker made from ultra-soft silicone. With both suction and vibration functions that can be used independently or simultaneously, Namii might be worth gushing over!
We are always growing and changing…
When we are young and first exploring our sexual needs, almost everything can be perceived as amazing. But as we age and grow, our needs change, and our bodies react differently. How many of us look back at some of our earliest sexual encounters and laugh or cringe… that’s part of discovering ourselves and getting to know our sexuality and our body's physical and emotional response to sex and sex mates.
What we enjoyed yesterday may not always be what we will enjoy tomorrow or in years to come. Just so, as we age, our body's need for and reaction to stimulation also changes. It is well noted that as women age, prolonged stimulation is often required to reach climax, or to simply avoid health issues. And men are no different; as men age, stamina often diminishes, and that ability to “go again” comes less frequently.
Sex toys can be fun and fulfilling to deepen your sexual connection and add complexity and excitement as your bedroom routine and body change.
Just remember…
Sex, in itself, is a conversation.
Being open with our partners about our mutual needs is an essential step to enjoying each other more fully and sharing a deeper connection. And if mind-blowing orgasms are a side-effect of that sharing… yes, please!
Are you convinced yet? Here's a guide on how to gift a sex toy!
